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How and when to Exit a Relationship- The Break Up

Relationships are hard all the way from trying to get into one, maintaining one, and then getting out of one, the break up. It might be mind-blowing to think about how much time, effort, money, and thought goes into our relationships. The dating process alone is an arduous condition that will exhaust your money, consume your thought, and constantly challenge the status of your confidence.

After this war of attrition called dating whittles down your must-haves and lowers your expectations to a reasonable level, you find someone that each of you can at least tolerate, and then you proceed to a committed relationship of sharing life and bills. At this point, life is good because you don’t have to put out as much energy to get laid. And your confidence levels stabilize as you are now trying to impress only one female and she already kinda knows you.

The early building stages of a relationship can go on for weeks or months for some, and it’s a good time. That’s when you are still learning who this person really is, but are committed enough to stay around when you find out some negatives. Eventually, you leave this early period of discovery and then settle in a life of sharing and sacrificing with another human.

Some people are lucky enough to stay in the contentment stage of a relationship for a really long time. Both people have to be content at the same time so that increases the odds of it not lasting quite a bit. After a while then, things begin to change and negativity starts to creep in. The little things that were once cute are becoming annoying and resentment is building with everything you do for her, and what she doesn’t do for you. As things get a little worse, you begin to realize that this relationship isn’t good for you anymore.

THE DOWNFALL OF A RELATIONSHIP

There are only 1,000 reasons why someone will no longer want to be in a relationship. A couple of top reasons are a loss of trust, no more sexual attraction, and a diminished lack of respect. There is no telling why some decide they aren’t happy anymore, but we are all unique in how fucked up we are based on our past and childhood, so there’s no judgment here. and good communication didn’t help, it may be time to exit stage left.

We all fantasize about all kinds of cool things. When you start fantasizing about being out of your relationship, and you find yourself doing it more and more with more detail, that’s not good. We live in a society where we have many more options than the people of a hundred years ago. And a hundred years ago, most of us would have just sucked it up when our relationships went bad and, instead of ending it, we would’ve dealt with it in different ways.

I honestly don’t know if things are better for us now with all of our options. It’s true that people were more trapped in marriages and relationships way back when, but that also meant they had to suck it up and try harder to make things work. I was married for 16 years. During that time, my ex and I went through three major bad times. We were able to get through the first two but the last one took us out and we got divorced. I have absolutely no regrets about getting divorced as it was many years ago now and I have grown immensely as a single man. If we had lived a hundred years ago though, we would have absolutely worked through our third bad patch and stayed married probably for the rest of our lives, somewhat happily.

Today’s life offers a high degree of independence. We don’t need to stay with the girl we met in school because there weren’t many other options. There are a plethora of replacements for our original girlfriends now. And women don’t need men as much for their survival as they can have great careers and have achieved equal social status in many ways.

In short, men don’t need to keep that one woman from fear of him never finding someone else and women don’t need men for protection. We don’t need to pair up anymore for our survival. This gives us the option of cutting anyone loose we want to which is not all good. Some of us now have become so fickle that we can’t stay in any relationship. Relationships, like anything in life, have good times and bad times. If our options have us to the point where we are opting out with every bad time, so then we will never be able to have a meaningful and extended connection.

I bring up this difference because some guys are aware of this and therefore aren’t sure if they should really end it with their girl. Some guys, like myself, don’t want to get out of something that may be really good just because we can. Getting out of a relationship is hard enough but when you’re not even sure if you should, that makes it much tougher. Here are some considerations to help determine if it’s really time to give up on your relationship:

12 Signs that it might be time to end the relationship:

  1. You don’t trust her – There is nothing bigger in a relationship than trust. If you’ve lost it, then it may be time to ends things.
  2. You never want to go home – This is one of those signs that you might not be aware of. You might think you are just busy at work, or have something else that you feel is very important to you away from home. The truth might be that you don’t want to be home because that’s where your woman is.
  3. You don’t have sex – We can kid ourselves about sex not being that big of a deal. But it is! If the sex part of the relationship has severely diminished or is non-existent, it may be time to tell your lady to go kick rocks.
  4. There is no respect – Respect is almost as big a thing as trust. Guys can live with an incredibly low (to me anyway) level of respect, but if things have gotten worse, that can be bad. And I don’t just mean the level of respect she has for you. If your girl has really shown you some things over the last months or years that have taken away your respect for her, that’s just as bad.
  5. You don’t spend any time together – Be it by her design or yours, not spending any time together is a bad sign for a relationship. A healthy couple co-exists and spends time together. If she is always doing her thing and you are always doing yours, then you two just might be a couple of convenience. And that’s not gonna last long.
  6. You only think about you, never about her or us – Is everything you buy, plan, and do only about you? Buying a car or a couch without talking to her about it first may be ok if you aren’t living together, but it’s not a good sign. Making plans for a vacation or to get a dog or something without including your girlfriend or wife is not good either. Couples at least talk about what they are planning even it’s not something they are going to do together.
  7. You don’t eat, sleep, or have sex with her – There are three things couples do in a relationship on a regular basis. If you two are eating, sleeping, and having sex together, that’s great. Just doing two of them is not ideal, but can be ok. And there are times when a couple will only do one of those things and that’s ok on the short term. But if you guys aren’t doing any of these three things together, then it’s time to go for sure!
  8. You have talked about it a lot and it hasn’t helped – It’s almost a cliche to say how important good communication is with a relationship, but it’s true as shit. So if you and your woman have talked about your problems well and often, and things still haven’t been able to get worked out, then it’s probably time to communicate a break up.
  9. You feel she wants out – It sucks when you start to realize that your girl doesn’t want to the relationship anymore. What some of us do then is wrong. We try to keep her no matter what by doing more for her. Or we fight more with her to try to convince her to stay. If you’ve been an asshole and she’s had enough, then cleaning up your act may keep her. To be honest, that’s a rare occurrence. More than likely, by the time you discover she wants out, it’s too late to do anything. She has made her mind up, so any attempts to save the relationship will only make you look like a clown. What I’m saying here is that if you feel she wants out, show her and you the respect of consideration, and then honor her wants if that’s what it comes to. You don’t have any choice anyway.
  10. When You love someone else – Despite being a good man, shit happens. You may find yourself falling for another woman while you are in your current relationship. It’s not good for any of the three of you to continue with a relationship under these circumstances. Consider ending things.
  11. You are cheating on her – I’ve known a couple of guys who just have to have a girl on the side every once in a while regardless of how well things are going in their primary relationship. That’s a rare breed of dude though and I’m not talking about you. Most men don’t need an extra piece on the side if they are in a good relationship. Cheating on your woman is definitely a sign that something is very wrong. Consider breaking up.
  12. She is cheating – Ouch! This can really hurt when you find out your girl is fucking someone else. It’s the ultimate deal breaker for me, but some guys will try to recover from it as love will make you do stupid shit. Regardless of what kind of guy you are, her cheating is definitely cause for considering putting her on her bike and pushing.

NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD END, WHAT NOW?

Relationships can be extremely hard to get out of. Don’t be hard on yourself if you’ve been trying and can’t get out. I have victimized myself with this three times now and it sucks. There are many reasons why we continue to stay in a relationship even after we have had the conversation and should be broken up. Let’s see if one of these are you.

THINGS THAT KEEP A GUY IN A RELATIONSHIP EVEN AFTER YOU HAVE BROKEN UP

  • Sex – Some guys may not need a woman in their lives for anything else but sex. Sure, she’s a pain in your ass in every way and you can’t even hardly talk to her. But you need sex and since it’s a process involving money and time to get laid elsewhere, you are staying with your lady.
  • You care about your girlfriend – This is me. There are a hundred reasons why you needed to break up, but you being a bad guy isn’t one of those. Just because you don’t want a relationship with her doesn’t mean you don’t care about her. You know it’s gonna be hard for her on her own. She may not make much money, be socially awkward, or still be so into you that she won’t look for anyone else. You may want to continue to help her or you may not want to abandon anyone ever. So even though you have broken it off verbally, you still do things with her including having sex once in a while. You want to be completely out, but not have to be an asshole to do it. Sucks.
  • You don’t want to move or have her move – So you both live together well. She takes care of things you don’t like to and you do the same for her. As a result, you’ve got a pretty nice living condition. Not living with her will be tough for you in many ways, so even though you’ve broken up and don’t have sex anymore, the only move you made, is into the back bedroom. This makes it tough to date for you both.
  • The two of you share bills and commitments – You may hate the bitch but you bought some things together and money is owed on them. It can be hard to sell some things and chances are if you both borrowed money to buy something, it means either of you didn’t have the money on your own. This means neither one of you can buy the other out, so you’re stuck. Also, while together, you did some things that had a long-term commitment to them. These are important to you both and even though you’ve broken it off, you don’t mind seeing them through together. Hell, they may be the only thing you two really had in common.
  • Having someone to do stuff with – It’s not easy being single and one of the things that makes it tough is that you have to do stuff by yourself. Having someone familiar and the opposite sex makes you look better and not feel so lonely even when you are out in the world doing stuff.
  • Don’t want to have to date – For most these days, dating kinda sucks. Having an active ex-girlfriend is a great way to not have to date. And she is using you for the same thing as dating for women could possibly be even worse than for guys. You guys get to help each other out by you doing boyfriend things and her giving you the occasional sex, so you can both prolong having to seriously date creeps and bitches.
  • You love her still – Maybe you only admit this to yourself when you’re drunk and alone, but you still love her. Although you may hate her and wish really hard with clenched fists and tightly closed eyes that things were different, she’s not good for you and you know it. You still have strong feelings for her though and that keeps you around.
  • Kids are involved – Whether they are your blood or not doesn’t matter much. It’s easy to get attached to kids and they give us purpose which is great. To some, the only real love they will ever feel is for their kids, so it stands to reason that you would stick around with a woman for the sake of them.

When you know it’s time to go. 9 things you can do to actually GET OUT.

It’s one thing to break up and stick around for a little while. But when you have been putting your life on hold for several months or even years, there’s a point when you absolutely must move on and away from your ex. Here are nine things you can do:

  1. Communicate the break up – Maybe you have broken up and/or talked about it many times before. Do it again this time and mean it. It’s that simple. You are an adult and this is what you both need to do. Be stern and get it done.
  2. Get your resources in order – What I mean here mostly is money. You need money to break up with someone. Come up with an amount that you need to comfortably do this and save it. You may make a good salary or already have some money available. Decide that this is worth the money and use it to get completely out. Also, sell anything you won’t be wanting or needing as a single guy. Get rid of anything that is helping to prevent you from moving on and away from her.
  3. Start to break any ties and separate financial things – Anything that you two own together must be sold or divided. A car, boat, furniture, and/or credit cards with balances on them can be hard to pay off or sell. But you have to do it. Work extra overtime or reduce your lifestyle and apply what it takes to get out from under these ties with your lady. If you have to take a monetary hit because she’s broke and lazy and you aren’t, do it. It’ll be worth it in the long run, I promise you that. Owning a house together is the toughest one of these and is often the main excuse for staying together. Do what it takes to stop this from you moving on. This is your life we’re talking about here. That’s just a house. They are like women. There are better ones out there for you. Let that shit go so you can be free.
  4. Start getting your shit together to be single again – It’s super important to start dating again. It also can be hard to get motivated to do so. The best way to get motivated is by getting prepared for it. Start going to the gym again, eating better, and drinking less so you can flatten and firm up that belly. Get some style by looking online and in real life at guys around your age and what they wear. Go to the mall or Men’s Warehouse or somewhere and buy some new clothes. Make sure your hair always looks good including your facial hair. Start always looking clean and together even if it’s just to go to the store. Get involved in some new activities and learn about some interesting things so you can talk to new people and have something to say. Get your finances in order and start to be willing to spend money on things that single guys spend on. Keep your car and place clean. Just start putting your best foot forward so you can attract a decent woman or two. For more information, read my article on getting your shit together.
  5. Be respectful and caring but continue the process Break-ups are a hard process for most of us. It’s a lot tougher if the other person isn’t cooperative. Don’t give her any reason to make this any harder by you being an asshole to her. Your goal is the move on with your life, not to show her something or teach her a lesson. Get past that bullshit and focus on the goal of complete separation. Conversely, don’t be so caring of her feelings that you slow down or stop the action of getting out. Treat her well but absolutely continue the forward motion of breaking up no matter how bad it hurts her. Remember that this must get done!
  6. Stop doing boyfriend things – I made this mistake and didn’t know it at the time. Changing light bulbs, taking out the trash, putting gas in her car, answering every time she calls, and paying some of her bills are just a few boyfriend things that we do for our women. You may not at all mind doing these things for her (especially when she gives you sex after), but you want out, so you have to stop doing them. As long as you continue to act like her boyfriend, she’ll see you as one. And that’s not good. Get her used to the fact that you soon won’t be around to do these things so she’ll start to prepare for being single too.
  7. When it becomes official, start dating – Most relationships don’t really end until at least one of you find someone else. You may not really be wanting to date right now, but if you truly want out of your lingering relationship, there’s no better way than to start hanging and having sex with someone else. Sooner or later you’re gonna have to see other women. It might as well be sooner. Believe me when I say THIS IS IMPORTANT! You’re beginning to date will also put your ex’s mental wheels in motion too, which is necessary. It may hurt like hell to know she will be dating someone else as well, but you’ll get over it. It’s unavoidable anyway so you might as well get through it now instead of prolonging it. This is the rest of your life we are talking about here. It’s worth not avoiding the pain.
  8. If you live together, somebody has to move out – This can be a truly hard thing to do as it takes money and emotional effort to move out and live alone. It’s also a super defining action of breaking up and you need that. So figure that shit out and do what it takes to leave or have her leave. Remember that you will NEVER get out of this limbo of a relationship as long as you two live together. You must do this!
  9. Make a date. Tell her the date, and then absolutely break it completely off – I only recommend this if it’s already been way too long and you can’t seem to end it. It’s time to sit her down, tell her that this has to stop and set a date for the end of it all. You can set a reasonable and realistic timeframe for this because you absolutely must adhere to it. Don’t let life get in the way of this exit strategy. You only want to do this once, so no matter what happens, on or by this time, regardless of job losses or surgeries or anything, you are completely out of the relationship.
  10. You must be stern about this with her and especially yourself. If you are a felon, you can equate it like the date set for getting out of prison. You’re gonna stay focused and out of trouble because you are getting to fuck out of this shit.

IT’S TIME, SO DO IT!

If you’re having a hard time breaking it off completely with your girl, don’t be too hard on yourself. You are not alone. I know of a lot of people who are in this situation in one form or another. I consider this a social epidemic of our times. When good people get together and things don’t work out, it’s hard to break up.

It would be so much easier if one of you just did something horrible like cheating or stealing or something that would make it easy to leave. But good people won’t fuck each other over that way so you can forget about that fantasy.

To leave someone who is dependent on you while they did nothing wrong seems unnatural. It doesn’t matter though because you are not doing them any favors by sticking around. You are stalling their lives too. The truth of the matter is that your girl may desperately be needing you to be the strong one and end this thing. She may need you to be the bad guy.

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