Your girlfriend’s horoscope. A man’s explanation

Man's view on horoscopes

In truth, I don’t believe in much. When it comes to the supposed traits of zodiac signs, it’s a really hard sell. I mean, major aspects of your personality are based on when and where you were born? Really?

As a teenager, I read my horoscope every morning for a while. Some days it was on and some days it was off. Those horoscopes were written so loosely though that a creative believer could probably turn them into anything they want. Specifics would make it more believable for sure.  

Stripped down, horoscopes are predictions (yea, some say they aren’t, but they are). Daily horoscopes are supposed to tell you how your day will go and what will happen. “Someone will smile at you today” or “your work may frustrate you today.” It is a weak prediction and doesn’t make me feel like the position of the stars can offer any cryptic inside information about my life or my future. Now, if my daily horoscope told me that I was “going to hit a dog with my car” or I’m “going to find my lost sunglasses”, and then it happens, that would have some merit.


The personality traits of a particular zodiac sign are only marginally more specific and therefore marginally more believable. It’s hard to determine how accurate they really are when you consider the power of suggestion. I probably wouldn’t be able to drink as much as I can if I didn’t know I have a lot of Irish blood. Just thinking that you are supposed to be something can make it so. 

Zodiac signs were important to my last girlfriend. Before we even started dating, she paid to have a “work-up” of my horoscope. She said she needed my birth date and time. I had to find my birth certificate so I could give her accurate information which is important to me. I wondered if that was a trait of me being a Sagittarius. A day or two later, she emails me this, like ten-page, fully detailed workup of my horoscope. The thing was a masterpiece of vague detail. It told me nothing really but in a very thorough way. 

I tried semi-desperately to find something concrete about me in this report. I searched for some piece of proof that there may actually be something to this. Surely there will be something pointed from this resource based on where the stars were positioned when I came out of my mother. There was nothing solid. 

A couple of months later when I saw my mom, I asked her about when I was born. I told her that I looked at my birth certificate and it said I was born at 6 am. I wondered if that was why I was such a morning person. She proceeded to tell me that I was actually born at around 4 am. She said the doctor was lazy and just wrote 6 am down for my time of birth instead of caring about accuracy. (I guess doc wasn’t a believer in the stars). I laughed at this because now that fancy ten-page horoscope that my now girlfriend paid for was based on the wrong birth time. 

Through this experience, I found out that one’s personality traits aren’t just based on the month you were born. There are a dozen other factors to add in order to determine what makes YOU tick.


I consider myself a pretty smart guy with a fairly open mind. It seems to me that the smarter someone is, the harder it is to keep an open mind. Our egos of and reliance on being smart tends to close us off pretty quick. For a smart fellow, keeping an open mind for something like astrology is tough, but I managed to do so for at least a few days of research. 

After learning some basic info on astrology, the question “how do they determine the personality characteristics based on one’s zodiac sign?” quickly came to surface. The answer, which is not easy to find, was not as scientific as I thought it would be. The explanation is quite intricate and would probably take thousands of words to explain in any degree of detail. After making it out of this rather deep rabbit hole, here is my brief explanation:

Human characteristics for zodiac signs were determined early on by the time of year you were born in reference to the seasons and what they meant to people in terms of survival. 

Thousands of years ago, seasons were hyper-important to humans as they determined the requirements for their survival. The zodiac signs themselves were determined in the same way. There are billions and billions of points of reference in the sky. You could take those points and draw anything with them. They used these reference points way back then to make worldly figures and concepts based on their current plight of humanity and survival

If zodiac signs were discovered today, they would be considerably different shapes. 

Determining the characteristics of people born under each zodiac sign is almost entirely different today. We are much less connected to the earth and for many millions of humans, changing seasons are only concerning to their fashion. A good example of this is the concept of finding love. 

Today’s horoscopes are filled with mentions of finding, losing, or keeping love. This makes sense as we live in a society where we can consider maybe hundreds of potential suitors. Dialing in on the love of your life can be tedious and difficult, so it’s nice to have some guidance from the stars. 

The life of love was considerably different three thousand years ago. Back then, a girl might have had a choice between her third cousin and the smelly rich guy in town who was willing to trade three camels to her dad for her “love”. 

My point here is that horoscopes are determined more by the current conditions of civilization and less by its three-thousand-year-old foundation. This may not be a bad thing, but it does kind of rob it of some of its validity.

Another thing I learned from this research is that new discoveries changed the considerations of astrology. As new findings of our solar system and surrounding space came to light, they were used as factors in determining human traits. Again, this may not be a bad thing, but for me, I like the foundation of religion to remain relatively unaffected by science. The addition of a new planet may not change the initial concept, but it does change the interpretation of those currently defining astrology, which has the same effect.


The whole concept of astrology is fascinating and may have a degree of merit to it. Whatever merit it may have can easily get lost though as it’s people who started it and continue to define it. So, at best, an interpreter with extensive knowledge of the history of astrology combined with a highly keen inherent connection could occasionally come up with some accuracy. That’s about it though.

There are some interesting coincidences though in regards to when we are born, when the people we are in relationships with were born, and when our offspring are born. After doing some research on this, I found out that there are no mathematical anomalies with this, but some of us have some patterns. I am one of those people.

In my life, I have had four long-term relationships. Three of them had birthdays that were within six days of each other (Sept. 3rd, 4th, and 9th). This is kinda spooky. I now pay attention to someone that I am attracted to’s birthday for that reason and you would too.

Also, there are seven people in my family and we have only four birth dates. My mother and brother have the same birthday, other bother and sister have the same, and my other sister and dad have the same birth date. I am the only one in my family that has his own birthday which might explain a lot (not really).

I submitted two questions on Reddit on this subject and a good amount of people responded with their own birthday and relationship anomalies which had me thinking that I was on to something. My further research on this proved these as only coincidences. Statistically, there are no mystical patterns with birthdays and relationships. Statistics are weird though.

I did see that five siblings shared the same birthdate, which carries impressive odds of 1 in 17,797,577,730. Numerology, like astrology, definitely has a lot of interesting rabbit holes to go down in. 


So, you could deem astrology as bullshit and just move on. But you might be missing an opportunity here. The traits dictated by a particular zodiac sign can be accurate if a woman believes them to be and therefore has been shaping her personality with them. In this great but annoying information age we live in, knowledge is power. Knowing what you are dealing with before things get serious is always a good idea. 


Astrology may be just another human-invented, unsubstantiated religion to you that you don’t at all believe in. If your girlfriend feels the same way, then cool. You both can exist unencumbered by its guidelines. If SHE believes in it though, then she may be able to justify a particular demeanor or lifestyle that may well affect you. Here are some brief potential justifications that a girlfriend may have by using her zodiac sign: 

If your girlfriend is an ARIES 

Get ready to spend a lot of energy in giving her a lot of attention. Expect passion to drive her impulsiveness (with logic taking back seat), so don’t be surprised by a quick and stupid decision. Oh, and I hope you’re not needing a lot of caring and support from her. She’s going to expect you to handle that shit on your own. 

Aries can have an explosive temperament both positively and negatively, but it doesn’t last long. So, some understanding of bipolar disorder may be helpful.

If your girlfriend is a TAURUS 

Do you have a compromising nature? If yes, then good. You’re gonna need it with your Taurus girlfriend because the stars told her it was OK to be stubborn, which means you’ll often have to bend like taffy on a hot day. A good income will help with her as she may enjoy the finer things in life. Did someone say high maintenance? Better plan on working some overtime because she won’t be.

You may enjoy some good physical passion with Ms. Taurus, but you’ll have it with a side of jealousy. Get in the habit of caching your cookies and only looking straight when you go out together. 

If your girlfriend is GEMINI 

Oh boy! Are you the type of guy that likes to stick with the plan and does what you say you’re going to do? Well, get ready to have a more fluid personality. Here’s a bad hairdresser joke – “What is a Gemini with highlights’ favorite cereal?” “Frosted Flakes”

With your Gemini girlfriend, you’ll get used to her making plans, then changing them, then canceling them, then deciding to go again, then changing them, then canceling again, then going back to the original plan, then repeating this non-pattern forever and ever. The good news here is that after a few months of total frustration, you’ll learn to just get ready to go anywhere early, and then just sit and watch ESPN until the very last minute when she only has time to make a final decision. It will only be at that moment that you will actually know what you are doing that day.

This is how she will be with every decision in life, so prepare for an uncertain yet strangely dynamic lifestyle. 

If your girlfriend is a Cancer 

If passive-aggressive is your jam, then a Cancer girlfriend may be for you. Don’t think for a second that she doesn’t care about your shortcomings. She’s just figuring out how to get you to improve unidirectionally. 

Don’t take her demeanor of conflict avoidance as someone who can let shit go. You’ll have to learn to A) figure out that something is wrong, and then B) fix it minus any of her guidance. At first, you may think you can let it go. But after a while, you’ll see that she will wait you out on it. And if YOU don’t fix it, she won’t either, and the problem (that started out small) will grow with time into something big. Think of this like Cancer. 

Mind-readers are typically compatible with cancer girlfriends.

If your girlfriend is LEO 

Confidence is a great and attractive trait. Unearned confidence though can be quite annoying and overbearing. You Leo girlfriend my only be confident because the stars told her she was. That can be bad. 

Unlike a Gemini, a female Leo will make and then stick with a commitment. This is good if it was a good choice. If it weren’t a good choice though, you will have a hard time getting her to change it, so plan on living with her decisions (both good and bad) for, like, ever. 

I hope you have some thick skin because a Leo will have no problem telling you how it is on the reals. Let’s just hope she doesn’t make a habit of putting you down, especially in public. 

If your girlfriend is VIRGO 

Get ready to analyze who you are as a boyfriend, husband, father, friend, human, and animal of the planet. In short order, your Virgo girlfriend will have made determinations of who you are at great depths. After that, the fun part. You get judged. 

Although driven by her own perfectionism, she’ll expect her boyfriend (you) to be even more perfect (just like the preamble to the constitution). And what guy doesn’t want an over-analytical girlfriend striving for him to be more perfect? Good times! 

If your girlfriend is a LIBRA 

If you get to a restaurant with your Libra girlfriend and you are really hungry, immediately order an appetizer. It may take her a while to decide what she wants to order, so at least you’ll have some tots or something to tie you over. 

Also, are the type of guy who prides himself on being able to make quick decisions while flying by the seat of your pants? Well, you’ll be slowing your roll when hanging with a libra girl. 

She may be a real sweetheart and have some pretty deep feelings for you (maybe a little too quickly). Try to enjoy this as you become growingly annoyed by her lack of finishing shit and being lazy.

If your girlfriend is a SCORPIO 

Get ready to have to explain where you are when you are away and defend relationships you have with other women. Yep, your Scorpio girlfriend may justify her jealousy because of her sign. And if she does catch you doing anything questionable, watch the fuck out. She won’t stop until you have paid for her pain. And who knows what hell that’s gonna be.

It’s best to allow her to have any control she wants, And she’ll want some. There will be benefits to having such a strong force in your life, but if you don’t really like that about her, just move on. Her intensity won’t diminish. 

If your girlfriend is a SAGITTARIUS 

Your Sagittarius girlfriend is going to want to travel so choose a credit card that gets good travel miles. 

She might have a bit of an ego, so plan on hearing how great she is (from her) and plan on paying attention. She’ll be needing a lot of that. 

Ever heard the expression, “Everything was great right up the point it wasn’t?” Yea, that was probably first said by the boyfriend of a Sagg. She will be really tolerant on the outside for too long, then, when she’s had enough, she’ll explode. Get ready to be good at walking on eggshells. Yikes!

If your girlfriend is a CAPRICORN 

Having issues reaching a deeper level of emotional connection with your Capricorn lady friend? It could be the stars and not you so don’t take it personally. Also, don’t expect a whole lot of concern coming your way from her, she’ll be using that for herself. That’s right. It’s more about her than you or us.

Be it right or wrong, good or bad, helpful or hurtful, she won’t change her mind on something. She is willing to die on every hill, regardless of how small. Annoying. 

And plan of some mild bi-polar activity from her. She could be cool and chill one minute, then rip your balls off the next. 

If your girlfriend is an AQUARIUS 

It’s cool to want to save the planet and all, but your Aquarius girlfriend may take it too far. Try to not be annoyed by her erudite passion for a particular humanitarian movement, then a sudden change in direction toward saving puppies or something. 

If you get bored with girlfriends easily, an Aquarius girl may be for you. It may be fun trying to keep up with her changes in personality and focus. Or it may be hell.

If your girlfriend is a PISCES 

A Pisces will spend a lot of time in her own mind space so be prepared for a more laid back, lazy, stoner type chick. She may help out with the rent once in a while if she sells a painting or a craft she made, but don’t plan on much help with the bills. 

It might take some constant work with keeping a deeper connection with a female Pisces. If she feels the two of you aren’t vibing on the same plane as before, she may withdraw into her own world and leave you out instead of making an effort to keep your connection. That’ll be your job.

As a general rule, men have a harder time believing in astrology than women. If you don’t believe it and she does, don’t challenge it. Let her have her beliefs. Chances are that you have some shit important in your life that appears equally stupid to her. And you wouldn’t want her challenging your love for the Pittsburg Steelers or mossy oak (which are both pretty silly). 

Gaining some knowledge of her belief system can help you navigate the difficult task of having a relationship. Instead of just laughing at it, use it to your advantage. 

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