It’s a very sad day for most guys
when they realize that their wife or girlfriend no longer wants to have sex with them. It usually happens after you try extra hard to get with her and she blows you off with one of her canned excuses.
It may have been a while since you guys have had sex. So, now you’re kind of on it. This time, you are doing all the things that you know she likes. You may have taken her out to her favorite restaurant. The one with no T.V.s and doesn’t serve meat. You hate that fucking place but she loves it, and you need to get laid. Then, you actually listen to her stories about her day and then house troubles, and show her genuine interest while sharing a bottle of expensive wine. You don’t really like wine, but you order another bottle and share a shitty overpriced dessert with her. It has fruit on it and isn’t sweet at all, but you suffer through eating it with her because you know she’ll feel better about herself physically if she only eats half.
After opening the car door for her (something you rarely do anymore), you drive her home, continuing to listen to her chic chatter and soulless Indie bullshit music on the car radio.
When you get home, you light a few candles next to the fresh flowers you got her and made her another drink. It’s important for her to have an alcohol buzz as she is then much more likely to fuck you. Your wife is looking really good to you through that bottle of wine you drank at dinner, so you hand her her drink and start making a move.
As you begin to kiss her and caress her curves, she semi-rigidly pulls back and gives you the bad news. “Oh honey, I’m really not feeling very well right now. I think that dessert upset my stomach”.
“Well I shared it with you, and I feel fine”, you return. “I’m sure it’s nothing a little lovin’ can’t take care of”.
“I’m sorry honey. I don’t feel well. Can we please have a rain check on this?”, she says as she steps away and sets her drink down.
“Yea OK, sure, no problem”, you say dejectedly. As she walks away to go get dressed for bed, the house is quiet, and the only movement is the flickering light of the candles. At that moment, as you look down at the dancing flame and with your wine buzz, you realize something big. Your wife no longer wants to have sex with you.
REASONS WHY YOUR WOMAN DOESN’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU ANYMORE
Women are complex creatures that some guys (like me) only think they understand. My theory is that the female gender is enigmatic by design, so there is no figuring them out regardless of what you think you know about them. And when it comes to sex, they are twice as hard to figure out.
In finding out why your girl doesn’t want to be with you, the first mistake guys make is in thinking about sex like a man. Guys are easy. All we really need to want sex is a half exposed female body part and fun attitude, and we’re there. Women are almost the opposite of this. The guy can be perfect in every way. He can be physically hot, say all the right things, and smell really nice and she may decide not to get with him. Conversely, the guy can be a fat loser that she doesn’t really even like and, by some wrinkle in the universe, she fucks him.
So, with knowing that just about anything could be the cause of why your woman doesn’t want to be physical with you anymore, here’s a list of some common reasons. I’ve also given some potential solutions.
1. How she feels about herself – When it comes to women and not wanting sex, it’s often not about you and is about how she feels about herself. If we feel down because of something at work or that we didn’t do well in sports, we can still have sex with no issues. A woman can feel different or bad about some aspect of their life, and it will directly affect her sex drive. Anything from the kids not doing good at school to her hair thinning a little can set her to not wanting sex.
What you can do: Talk to her about her life. Try to find out what may be bothering her. Listen to her. If you allow her to talk, she’ll tell you what’s wrong. GUY TIP: Listen to her only and don’t try to solve her issue. Chicks hate it when you try to solve their problems. If you two figure out what’s wrong, give her the space it takes to fix or deal with it. Show her support and don’t pressure her for sex.
2. Something in your relationship’s past – This is a big one. Here’s my personal example of this.
I had been married for a few years, and my wife did not want to have sex. Everything was fine in our lives. We were both in good shape physically and financially, were living the life we wanted in every way. I was attentive and engaging, and she was caring and loving. She just didn’t want to have sex. Something was blocking her. One night, while having a serious convo about it, it came out. My wife and I were high school sweethearts and met when I was sixteen, and she was fifteen. When we met, I had told her some stupid little boy bullshit like “if I were just into having sex with you, it would probably take me four months to have sex with you” That night, she brought that up. “You said you would’ve been able to have sex with me within four months of dating. And we did have sex within that time”. “Baby, that was like eight years ago. I was a cocky fifteen-year-old virgin boy back then. I didn’t know shit about shit”. “Yea but we had sex within the time you said we would,” she said while starting to cry. “That always bothered me. I always thought that you might have manipulated me into having sex because we had it within the four months you said it would take”. She was now balling hysterically. “Lisa, I was just a little fucking boy back then. I had never even had sex. I was just talking shit”, I said emotionally. “Do you think that I manipulated you into having sex with me back then?” I asked. “Well, no. It was my idea for us not to wait and have sex when we did”, she answered. “But it was within the timeframe you said it would happen”. She started crying harder. “I am so sorry! You do know me though. You know I was just an overconfident virgin boy who had no idea what the fuck I was talking about, right? It was just a coincidence that we had sex in four months.” “I know it was bullshit, but it always bothered me. And lately, it’s somehow been affecting me. Whenever we try to have sex, I feel funny about it”. “Wow! OK, I get it. Do you think I’m manipulating you about having sex now”? “NO NO. I don’t”, she told me still crying. “I just always thought you might have back then. I mean, I know that you didn’t, but I just couldn’t let it go”. “Well, I’m really sorry that I said that back when I was fifteen. But you know I didn’t mean it, didn’t manipulate you then, don’t know and never have, so you gotta let it go”. “You’re right. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been wanting sex”, she said, and we both cried.
What you can do: That night, we had the best sex, and the problem got solved. How crazy is it that something so small that happened a long time ago can affect a wife wants for sex? If you can allow it and she can allow it, the two of you can find out and fix something from your past that’s blocking her from wanting sex. It may take some marriage or individual counseling, but it’s worth it.
3. How you look – Let’s say you’ve been married for a couple of years or longer and now, you are in the groove of your life as a married man. Did you gain some weight? Are you still paying attention to the fashion of men of your age and likeness? How about your hygiene? Does your hair look good and do you trim up your facial hair, nose hair, and ear hair?
If you are a slob with a wardrobe and demeanor that says “I’ve given up”, then, that may have something to do with your wife or girlfriend not wanting to fuck you. Look, fat and happy can be great but how good is it if your old lady is not giving it to you?
What you can do: It may be time to peel yourself away from the couch and tv, start eating some things that have color, and walk to a Men’s Warehouse for some fashion advice. After that, walk to a hair salon or barbershop. Hopefully, it’s a long walk.
4. How you treat her – Women are sensitive, and many have issues with insecurity. They like it when you constantly tell them how you feel about them. When was the last time you complimented her? How long has it been since you’ve thanked her for something she did? Are you treating your woman with respect? Do you listen to her or just make listening noises when she talks? Sure, girl talk may be boring compared to your super important guy talk about how many touchdowns Brady got or Ford’s new F-150 body style. But she may need you to hear her and be there for her in her life.
What you can do: An occasional “you look nice this morning” before she goes to work goes a long way. “Thanks for breakfast. The eggs were perfect” may sound unnecessary but it could be the reason you’re not getting any. Making her feel special and pretty could be what she needs from you. She’s your wife. She is special to you, so let her know. GUY TIP: Don’t compliment her or listen to her only with the outcome of you getting sex from her. She’ll know that, and you’ll be wasting your time. Show her genuine attention because she’s a beautiful and accomplished human being, and because you love her and know she wants and needs that from you.
5. Menopause or change of life – It’s really unfortunate when menopause strips a woman of her sex drive. It is a thing though, and I’m not sure what anyone can do about it. For some women, it’s only temporary which is good.
What you can do: If your relationship is strong and has good communication, then you already have talked about it. All you can do is be accepting of her situation. You can’t understand it really as men don’t have that kind of change of life. But you can believe her as you may not. What the two of you do about it is unique to you guys, but having good communication will help a shitty situation tremendously.
6. Your financial situation – You may think it’s superficial of her not to want to fuck you just because you’re not getting off your ass and going out and paying the bills, but that doesn’t matter. If your role in the relationship is of you being the breadwinner, and you’re not winning right now, then well, what can I tell you? It sucks! Her attraction to you is tied in with your ability to take care of her financially. This may be hard for you to admit to yourself, but it’s more common than you might think. This isn’t to say your woman is a loveless money grubber. She may just need you to be what you were when you sold her on you being her man.
What you can do: If you suspect that this is why your woman does not want you, then, that means you aren’t feeling like you are financially successful enough. At least right now. I think it’s important to verify this. Have a talk with her about it. She may not want to admit this to you (of herself), so you’ll want to create a safe environment for her to reveal this. You’re not having sex. It’s time to have the hard convo where you admit things you don’t want to admit. Don’t get mad or judgmental. Just get to the bottom of it and make adjustments accordingly. This may be a success issue for both of you. Make more effort to be successful. And if it’s just her issue, feel the pain, talk it out, and make the changes you need in your life.
7. You are cheating on her – Chances are, if you are cheating on your woman and she doesn’t want to have sex with you, it’s because she knows. If she doesn’t know, then it’s you blocking the sex between you two.
What you can do: Everybody’s situation is different, and I’m not one to judge, but if cheating on your relationship is affecting the sex between you and your woman, then that’s probably a sign that you need to make some big changes in your life. I’ve known few guys who truly thought that they could have both types of lives at the same time. I have never seen anyone pull that off. If you think you are, talk to me in a year or so.
8. She is cheating on you – This is easily one of the worse situations a guy can be in. Your wife or girlfriend not having sex with you because she’s fucking some other guy is painful to even write. Most cheaters will maintain a sexual relationship with their spouse or S.O. So, when the cheater stops having sex with her man, that’s a global failure.
What you can do: The first thing you have to do is the hardest. You have to verify that she is cheating. Maybe you’ll have to hire Magnum P.I. to find out. Or maybe you just have to ask her. It’s hard to say how to find out, but you absolutely have to verify it. Once verified, you’ll have to realize that the relationship is completely over. I mean, however way you were defining it before has now changed completely. It’s time, to begin with, a new way of life. That sounds bad, but it isn’t as bad as the life you are in right now.
9. She is fat and depressed – Believe it or not, some women, when they get into a long-term relationship, gain a bunch of weight. Yep, that’s right. Chicks get fat. It happens to the best of us. The active woman you met and fell in love with that had a great ass, gains a forty spot. After that, you guys had a kid or two, and now she’s just short of huge.
Strangely, even though that once great ass is now the size of a barrier island, you still are super attracted to her and would fuck her every night if you could. But she never wants to have sex anymore. And it’s because she’s fat and very depressed about it. Sure, you’d love it if she had the body she had when you met, but she’s an awesome mother to your kids, is funny and witty and carries herself well in the world. You’re OK with it, but she hates her body and hates being a fat chick and therefore, doesn’t feel good about having sex.
What you can do: I’ll start with what you can’t do. You can’t tell her she’s overweight in any way. EVER! Don’t believe her when she says “it’s ok. I know I’m fat. You can agree” No matter what, you never admit that. You never say anything about it, period. You also can’t try to help her lose weight. Don’t buy her anything like a gym membership or something relating to exercise. I wouldn’t even order her a skinny anything from Starbucks. Stay away from the fat topic, or you’ll be the biggest loser. Instead, tell her how sexy she is and do it often. Tell her how beautiful she is and how much you want her. Treat her like she’s the Gwyneth Paltrow character in the movie “Shallow Hal”. To you, she’s hot and thin. Even if she collapses a steel chair. Do this, and she may realize you don’t care and want her how she is. Then, you can get your sex life back.
I can’t tell you how many people I know who are in long-term relationships and they aren’t having sex. It’s one of the saddest things there is in our society. There is nothing easy about repairing whatever it is that is stopping two people who, at least, used to be attracted to each other, from having good, healthy sex on a regular basis. Most don’t make an effort to fix this because it’s so hard to do. But I think it’s worth its effort. No one should have to live with someone they want but can’t have.