Many years ago, I got divorced and was then newly on the market to date women. In the interest of being successful at it, I did some research. One of the best things I did was read this book on body language. This article is based on some of the things I read and learned from The Definitive Book of Body Language by Allan and Barbara Pease.
If you’re a guy wanting to learn more about body language so you can pick up women better, I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news. The good news for you is that if you are a human animal, then you already know and read body language. The bad news is that women are better at it than you.
Every one of us has learned and has been using the language of the body since we were infants. Some of us aren’t as perceptive with it though. It may not be worth it to you to conceptualize that every little movement, gesture, angle, and physical action taken by a person carries meaning, but it does. And there can be value in determining what you are paying attention to and what you aren’t, especially if you’re on the hunt for some female attraction.
WHAT MEN FIND MOST PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE IN WOMEN
Ask any straight guy and he’ll have a passionate and extensive opinion on what body part men are attracted to in women. Most will decide on one or all of the big three, which is the ass, legs, and boobs. As a guy, I always enjoy the hell out of comparing and grading the female anatomy with other guys and hearing about what they like and why. Although we would have fun determining which female physical attribute is the most wanted, chances are we would all be wrong.
The thing that men find most physically attractive in women is not a particular body part. Apparently, we are far more pathetic than that. Because what is attractive to us above all things is her physical availability.
Yep! You read that right. What this means is you could be an ass man and see a girl with a great bottom, but will be more attracted to the fatty standing next to her who appears to be more available. Ain’t that a bitch? Don’t believe it? Well, it’s true because guys aren’t really in control of the whole courting thing. We just think we are.
WHY WOMAN CONTROL THE ATTRACTION PROCESS
I know a lot of dudes think they are in charge of the whole pick-up thing and I don’t blame them. As guys, we are told that it’s up to us to go out and be on the prowl. Make it happen. It is true that some PUAs go out every night and play the numbers game, but approaching a hundred women with rehearsed lines and magic tricks is some semi-pathetic shit. Their close numbers will always be low unless they recognize that the girls control the attraction.
So, why do females control the attraction process? Well, because they are more perceptive than us. And by perceptive, I mean they can read body language better than men. According to Allan and Barbara Pease, men don’t have as keen ability to register the more subtle cues of women.
Also, men have a shit ton more testosterone so they associate more things with sex. That extra testosterone has them mistaking women’s smiles and casual friendliness for signs that they are interested. And they aren’t.
These things put women in control of the courtship process as they can read what a guy is interested in and guys can’t read them well. Luckily for everyone, females do have attraction, so with this knowledge, they do what they can to help make it happen. Here’s how:
THE INITIAL COURTSHIP PROCESS EXPLAINED IN 5 EASY STEPS
1 Eye Contact
A girl has to make eye contact before the attraction can begin. This may seem super obvious, but there are a lot of guys who are way too shy to lock eyes with a girl they may like for even one second. Typically, a female will look a guy in the eyes for a long enough period of time (5 seconds can seem like a lifetime), and then she will look away. This will get the male to keep watch of her to see if she looks again.
Women have to initiate this eye contact an average of three times before the target male figures out that she may be into him.
Still, from afar, the interested female will then add some smiles to her gaze. Usually, she will look first. Then begin to smile during the gaze to show the guy that she is smiling to him and not for some other reason. Then she will again look away first (unless the guy isn’t confident enough wait for her to look away first).
If, after a few attempts at smiling, the guy doesn’t respond, she will assume he’s not interested and move on. As a guy, I probably fail miserably at reading these signals.
3 Preening or “notice me” stage
Now that she thinks he may be on the hook a little, she will start showing herself off. She does this by doing things like presenting her cleavage and legs with better posture and crossed legs. She may also play with her hair, straighten her clothes, move her jewelry around, pout her lips, and so on.
The guy will start peacocking too by standing up straighter, sucking in his stomach, throwing out his chest a little, and playing with his clothes and hair.
If she has sold herself as available enough and the guy isn’t a total pussy. He will approach her and break the ice with whatever line he can come up with. They may stay in this stage for a minute or talk for hours. Side note: Beware of falling into the friend zone here!!
If she likes what she’s hearing (and mainly what she is seeing in his body language), then her instinctual want to intimacy will bring her to touching him in some way. A light touch of his forearm or a hit on the shoulder or fixing his stray hair are all signs that she wants to move ahead. He will start to touch her too. If nothing fucks it up for them, they will soon be touching a lot more.
These are the basic five initial steps for attraction. What happens after this varies greatly. Some eventually get married from this while others won’t manage to even get a kiss out of the deal. And so goes the chaos of human attraction.
13 BODY LANGUAGE SIGNS TO TELL IF SHE IS INTERESTED IN YOU
Apparently, guys need a lot of help determining the more subtle body language of women. If you are even a little like me, you fail at being able to see when someone is interested. Few things suck worse than finding out too much later that someone who you thought was super hot, was in fact, into you, but you were too unaware to notice. There are many more, but here are the thirteen signs I learned from The Definitive Book of Body Language.
1 The head switch and hair toss
The way a girl will move her head around so she can move her hair is a big seductive tell. By doing this, she is presenting herself as sexy and confident. She is also displaying the quality of her hair, facial structure, and the length of her neck.
2 The way she moves her lips
We are all familiar with the sensual qualities of a woman’s lips. She does too, so if she’s interested, she may wet, pout, and lick them. The pouting will also accomplish narrowing her jawline, which is girlish and opposite of a man’s jaw.
3 Self- touching
It’s hard to imagine that guys don’t take this as a sign. We can be “thick” as the old people used to say. When a woman touches herself around a guy, she is for-shadowing what it may feel like if he were to touch her.
Body language is often what the brain is thinking and will subtly act the thought out. In this case, the female is showing what she is thinking by slowing caressing her torso, thighs, and/or neck. This is a good sign for a guy.
4 A limp wrist
Although not as cool as seeing a hot chick touching herself, this is a fundamental hard-wire for a female’s attraction. The limp wrist is a signal of submission. It probably been made more aware as a sign for a gay man in the seventies, which he was doing it for the same reason.
We may be living in a time of gender equality, but men are still sexually hard-wired to express dominance, and women to express submission. So, regardless of where you fall on the gender spectrum, look for the limp wrist. It may tell you something.
5 Playing with a cylindrical object
You’ve gotta love body language for reasons like this. Again, her body is displaying what her mind is thinking. The stroking of or paying physical attention to anything phallic by her is a great tell that she might be interested in you. And in the way that you would like her to be.
My personal observation is that all women will do this. That’s cool and all, but openly stroking a White Claw can isn’t at all an Indicator of her level of sexuality. In other words, “she may not be the freak you might think by her actions.” It’s a hard-wire like everything else, so don’t get too excited. The conscious and sub-conscious mind often have different ideas in the actual bedroom.
6 Exposing her wrists
This may be the weirdest tell on this list. The wrists of a female are considered a highly erotic area of her body. Who knew? She most likely won’t be aware of it. But if she is “flashing you” with her wrist, it can be a good sign that she wants more of you.
Ever wondered why women put perfume on their wrists? Yea, it’s some hard-wire shit that they don’t even know about.
7 Glancing over her raised shoulder
This may seem like some old school Marilyn Monroe move, but it’s alive and well today. I will admit that since finding out about this female body language, I have actively watched out for it and haven’t seen it much. I see it more from the female movie stars from the fifties and sixties than in the real world.
What I can say though is that when I have seen it, it was an advanced sign of her attraction for a guy. This means that if you notice a girl looking at you over her raised shoulder, it might be time to go for some making out or asking her if she wants to go somewhere.
8 She rolls her hips
As our culture brings the genders closer and closer to being alike, some differences will always exist. One of them is that women have wider hips than men do. The reason is obvious – because females bear children. In addition to this, females have a greater gap between their legs than males do. This allows for the fantastic gait that some women have to where their hips roll at every step.
If a girl is interested, she will roll her hips in a subtle way. She does this to show that she is a female. That there is a difference between her and a male.
9 The pelvic tilt
When a woman is interested, she will tilt her pelvis to accentuate her hip the waist ratio. This is to show her potential mate that she is well equipped to carry his offspring. This is hardwired, so don’t think that she necessarily wants you to seed her and become a baby daddy. Whew!
The pelvic tilt is some pretty sexy posturing, so you’ll probably notice it easily. If a girl you are talking to does a tilt, try to make sure she is doing it to show just you. She may just be feeling it and want to look sexy for the whole room.
10 She places her handbag close to you
There can be no telling as to what is in a girl’s handbag. Us guys don’t know because her purse is “off-limits”. I was married for many years. I was very close to my wife, but I never dared to look in any of her handbags unless she asked me to find something.
Her mobile “junk drawer” may be of no interest to you, but to her, her handbag is important and guarded. This is why it’s a great sign that she is interested in you if she is gracing you with its proximity.
11 Pointing her crossed knee to you
It doesn’t matter how she bends her leg. She will point that bend leg’s knee toward the person she is interested in.
After reading the Definitive Book of Body Language again, I went out on New Year’s eve with a group. There were two women that I thought might be interested in me. One was for sure and as we sat and hung out, I noticed her pointing her knee at me. I then started looking for it with people around me and noticed girls pointing their folded leg knees at guys they were interested in. It was very common.
12 Fondling or playing with her shoe
If she is wearing any kind of slip-on pump or flat, she may start moving her foot slightly in and out of it. Now, this could mean she has an itchy foot or it could mean she’s thinking about things that fit well into other things.
Keep in mind that body language reveals what the mind is thinking. So, what could she be thinking (maybe only subconsciously) when she is fitting her foot in and out of her shoe? Good stuff.
13 The tight leg cross or leg twine
This is a common position females use when sitting, so don’t think you’re a lock if she does a leg twine position when hangin’ with you. It is a sign that she is interested though and can be a very sexy posture.
If you’re not entirely sure what I’m talking about here, look at Sharon Stone in Fatal Attraction.
(Bonus sign) 14 How she shares phone viewing
When she wants to show you something on her phone, she may hold her phone to your face with an extended arm while sitting where she is. OR she may decide to view her phone with you. This would take her moving closer to you and being shoulder to shoulder so you can both view the pic or video together. This may be a sign that she is interested in you.
DON’T GET HER WRONG. READ BODY LANGUAGE IN CLUSTERS
When reading someone’s body language, it’s best to read each movement and indicator as words that make up a sentence. And then take the sentences and make up a paragraph. What I mean by this in terms of deciding if a woman is interested in you is to group these signs together so you can be more accurate.
Each of these fourteen signs separately may not indicate that she is into you. If you can group them together in clusters though, it will be a very accurate indicator that you may proceed.
Being good at reading body language is about awareness. We all already know what everything means, but many of us are not making a conscious effort to mentally document in clusters what we are seeing.
NOBODY LIKES REJECTION
It sucks hard to find out after the fact that some hot chic was into you and you didn’t see it. If you are like me though, you don’t want to stick your neck out. Make a move on a girl without knowing for sure if she’s into you (unless I’m drunk).
It’s not fun when you were wrong and she ceremoniously takes out her very sharp samurai sword and chops off your head by its extended neck. The last thing you hear is her chuckle at your very last expression of false confidence and surprise on the face of your severed, rolling head.
If you want a decent (in your league or above) woman though, you’re gonna have to stick that neck out to get her. Learning to read her body language can do two great things for you. One is it can give you more confidence to proceed with some form of escalation (neck extension). And two, not to go for a girl who is absolutely not into you (the head roll).
It often sucks to be a man because it is up to you to take the responsibility for “officially” expressing interest. It really helps though to know what she is telling you first.