My girlfriend/wife gained a bunch of weight. What can you do?

If you have decided to read this because your girl has gained some weight, don’t feel alone or unique. This phenomenon is more common than not. Almost every guy I know of and everywhere I look, women gain weight when they are in a long-term relationship.

I’m not saying that this is a one-sided thing. Guys drift off into complacency too in long-term relationships. Us guys can get fat and care less just as commonly as women. But this article is only about women getting fat so I’m not bashing females here. It’s just the focus.

I think it’s important to know why your girl gained weight. Here are a couple common reasons and what you can maybe do to help.


1. She was the skinny version of herself when you met

We used to call this her “fighting weight”. We all make more of an effort to look and be better when we are single and trying to attract. With women, being skinnier is maybe the most common way they do this. Some women will lose five to ten pounds when single. Others will lose ten to twenty. Still, other girls will lose more than twenty during her search for a potential suitor.

Now that she has secured you, she can eat again and eventually get back to her normal weight which is cool but heavier than when you met.

What you can do

In the perfect worlds of psychology or the internet, you’ll be told to talk with her about her weight gain. In the real world though, we all know that’s a poor option. Talking to your girl about her gaining weight never goes well and usually ends with her not losing any weight and you not getting as much sex as you did before the talk. FAIL!

If your woman has gained weight for this reason, odds are you can’t do anything healthy to get her back to what she weighed when you met. That was her temporary state and this is now her normal, long-term state. Hopefully, you now love her enough to still desire her and still enjoy fucking her despite the extra elbows. If you need your woman to be at her “fighting weight” always, there are only two things I know of that you can do.

A friend of mine (who I don’t really like because he’s disingenuous) got into a relationship with a relatively hot chick. They have been together for about two years now and when I recently saw them at a party, I noticed his girlfriend was actually skinnier and more stylish than she was when they met. This is a tell for me because, at two years in, this girl should be at least the same weight if not a little heavier. She was instead in her prime and there is always a reason a girl is in her prime.

This guy friend of mine obviously has his girl in a state of uncertainty. She does not feel secure with the relationship, so she has to stay at a high level of attraction with him. This is negatively manipulative and I don’t recommend it. BUT, his girl is looking damn fine even after two years by keeping her in a state of insecurity.

The other way of having a woman never gain much weight after she feels secure in the relationship is in choosing the right girl to begin with.

I mentioned earlier about how different women lose different amounts of weight when they are single and looking. If your girl was the kind that lost thirty plus when single and is now back to her weight and you don’t like it, all you can do is break it off with her and find another woman that doesn’t lose as much when she is single. It sounds superficial but hey, if it’s that important for you to not have a fat girlfriend or wife and want her to be and feel secure, that’s your only option. Almost all guys are aware of what a woman may look like in the long term. You’ll have to pick one that you know won’t gain much because you now know how important it is for you.

2. She’s testing you 

This mainly pertains to a newer or nonmarried relationship. Have you ever heard of a “shit test”?. It’s a term in the pick-up artist community. It’s when a woman says or does something negative towards you just to see how you react to it. An example is her saying something mean to you when you first meet like “Did you get that watch in the eighth grade?”, or “That shirt makes you look gay”. She wants to piss you off a little and then see how you react to it. If you react poorly, she’ll deem you unworthy. But if you let it roll off your back, she’ll like that.

Girls will eventually stop “shit testing” you when her attraction builds enough and she starts liking you. Some continue to shit test though. Some women never stop shit testing. They need to constantly test you in order for them to feel confident about you. Some women gain weight as a “shit test” to make sure you will stay with them no matter what.

What you can do 

I don’t like women shit testing beyond the initial getting to know each other stage of a relationship, but it happens. The good news is if this is why your girl gained weight, you may be able to fix it. For whatever reason, she’s still qualifying you as to whether you will stick around or not even though you’ve been with her for a while now.

Making her feel more secure in the relationship may help this. It may not too, but is worth a try. If you love her, tell her and mean it. Do stupid things for her and tell her you want her when you do. Jump through a few of her fiery hoops and see if it changes anything. Let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Women need that. They want security from men more than they want anything else.

3. She doesn’t want to have sex 

I know this sucks but it’s as accurate a reason as any of the others. Women feel less sexually attractive when they gain weight. They also know that they are less sexually attractive to men when they are fatter. A lot of girlfriends and wives aren’t aware that this is why they are opting for that late night ice cream Sunday every night. But she is knocking out a half a loaf of sourdough French bread with that alfredo sauce because she doesn’t want to fuck you.

What you can do 

If this is why your woman has gained weight, then this is serious and should be addressed at all costs. I may not recommend talking to your female significant other about her weight gain, but I absolutely think you should talk to her about your sex life or lack of it.

Most of the time, the issues a girlfriend or wife has with sex can be solved. I mean, if she used to want to have sex with you, chances are, there’s a reason or two making her not want it that can be fixed. You are a man in a physical relationship. You have every right to get to the bottom of this. Do what it takes to begin talking about this and continue to talk until the reason comes out. If you have to go to counseling, then spend the time and money and go. This is important and more than likely won’t go away on its own.

When the reason surfaces, have understanding and do what it takes to fix it. She wants to want sex too. Always remember that. Don’t be afraid if it’s something major that can’t be fixed. It’s better to know of this sooner than later.

4. She had a baby

 Can a man even imagine what it’s like to suddenly be eating for two, craving weird foods, and getting huge because there is a human growing in your belly? And society, your body, and nature says it’s OK that you are gaining a bunch of weight to the point that you can’t fit into any of your clothes.

Then she has the baby, but it’s hard to bounce back because her life is nothing like it was a year ago. Grabbing some comfort food every day may be impossible to resist at this crazy time in her life.

What you can do

 I always want to be positive and optimistic about things. But I also have to be truthful. And the truth with this is that some women never lose some of the weight they gained from having a baby. And if your baby’s momma is one of these, the only thing you can do is accept it. Having a baby can change a woman. It can change her wants by grounding her or making her less self-absorbed. These changes can result in her not caring as much of what she looks like.

This is the mother of your children. She is an awesome mom and wife and you love her so these things can make it ok that she is now thirty over what she was. As long as you still strongly desire her sexually, you’re good.

Some women do bounce back from childbearing though. My mother was a typical mid-century Catholic so she had a bunch of kids. She always returned to her normal weight afterward which makes it harder for me to have understanding for women who don’t do this.

If this is a temporary state, what you can do is have understanding and patience. Remember that you had this baby together but it was her body that took the abuse. Don’t make her feel bad. She’ll be back soon.

5. She is depressed 

Depression is a real mother fucker! People deal with depression in a hundred different ways and a common one for women is weight gain. It’s impossible to narrow down the reason why women get depressed but some gain weight because of it as a cry for help or to feel good a couple times a day (while eating), or to self destruct so they can hit that life-changing phase called “rock bottom”.

What you can do

 It’s worth it to say again. Depression is a motherfucker! And if you have never experienced it, it’s hard to understand how wholly impactful it is. Fat and happy is a sustainable lifestyle. Fat and unhappy is not. What’s most important here is to identify that that is why she has gained weight. Once identified, you have to support her in any and every way to fix this issue if it can be fixed.

Depression is super personal. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t help. Be there for her as much as your personality can do and hope for the best. Hope that it is only temporary.

6. She is entering into menopause 

This is a scary crapshoot for everyone involved. This natural change in women which usually begins in her 40’s can affect some major areas of her personality. Some women gain weight as part of the fun of the pre-menopause stage or perimenopause. If your woman has gained weight because of this, remember that it could be worse. Some lose their sex drive with menopause. Awesome, right?

What you can do 

I don’t know how old your relationship is with your lady but as a guy, we should all be aware of the change of life for women. If you’ve been with her for a long time and she is now entering into the change, it’s time to test your love for her because she may become different than what you are used to. She may gain weight and you may know it’s never coming off.

You’re getting older too and you will change as well. Hopefully, for you and her, you’ll have an understanding and be able to make any needed adjustments along the way. Her change can be more abrupt and can test your love. Hopefully, no change is too catastrophic for the relationship.

7. She just gave up 

Some women just stop trying to stay fit and trim. It may have been a lot of work for them to begin with but as they get older, it’s getting harder. At some point, they decide all the work isn’t worth it anymore. After all, they already have a man and a secure life. It’s time to just be fat and happy. Some women I know don’t like to sweat. For that type of person, it’s just a matter of time before they give up and get fat and spongy.

It may be difficult to determine why your girl has gained weight. It’s such a negative topic to discuss. For many boyfriends or husbands, it’s not worth trying to discuss this with their ladies.

What you can do 

This should not be acceptable to you. You see a lot of couples in the world that have both given up. This is common. Usually, one person in the relationship gives up and then the other gives up. Now, you’re both fat, lazy, and don’t have good sex anymore. The only happiness you have is while consuming food and alcohol. Do you really want to be one of these people? Of course not. Don’t allow it!

If you sense your girl giving up, don’t accept it. Don’t just have a conversation(which will be an argument) about her letting herself go. Shore up your own self and life. Do the opposite for yourself by getting in better shape and cleaning your life up.

Start living better by planning a future, taking some vacations, improving your income and household, spending more time on your hobbies, and/or learning new stuff. Develop some passion. Try to pull your girl up by setting an example. Discuss with her how important it is to keep living and trying.

You may find that it was you that started this decline and by you reversing your own downward trend, she gains passion again for life too. If you can’t spark some life in her though, you have two choices. You can drop down to her level and learn how to smoke racks of spare ribs while seated or you can decide that your futures may not be compatible.


There are a lot of overweight people in our America. For one reason or the other though, I see more couples where the woman is overweight and the man isn’t versus the other way around. Occasionally I’ll see a trim woman with a fat dude but it’s not at all common. There are a couple of natural reasons for this. Typically, men have more physical jobs than women do and women (because they can bear children) carry a five percent higher body fat percentage than men. A lot of guys are ok with having a fat old lady. Most aren’t though so their solution is to get out of shape with her so they both can be on the same level. He probably gets more sex from her that way and let’s be honest, that’s why some dudes will gain some.

Some guys aren’t OK with a bigger girlfriend or wife and I must admit that I am one of those. I’d love to say I don’t judge guys with bigger women but I do. Here’s an example.

I met a guy at a business function who seemed pretty together and confident. He was a good-looking guy in good shape who was witty, intelligent, and engaging, He had style with nice clean clothing and seemed motivated and passionate about life. I didn’t give much thought to what his wife probably looked like but if I had, I’m sure I would have imagined her being like him; attractive, stylish, and fit. Later in the night, his wife came to the event and I met her. She was the opposite of him as she was fat and lacked some caring and style. Inside I was shocked. “How can this guy have a fat old lady”, I wondered. In an instant, I didn’t think as highly about the guy and it was only because his wife was fat. I don’t feel good about judging him negatively but I can’t help that it’s true.

Now I don’t know this guys situation and I know it’s not fair to judge him. There are a hundred reasons why this guy wound up with a fat wife but in my lizard mind, it’s just that he is OK with it. Most men out in the real world are mostly fine with an overweight woman and that’s great. Really. For me though, I think if I am making an effort to be healthy and passionate, then I want the person closest to me to be at the same level. I don’t think it’s too much for a man to ask of his female significant other.


  1. D.A.L.D March 4, 2020
    • Michael Roberts March 4, 2020
  2. Jane Kelly September 27, 2021

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