How to not be the “friend zone” guy. You might need to read this

Picture the scene. You are at work, and there’s a new girl.  She just started working there, and she’s really hot.

You are thinking what every other guy there is thinking, to get with her. At a work lunch event, you find a way to sit next to her, introduce yourself, and get to know her. She is new at the job, so you help her navigate through some of the office or company shit and in a week, you are friends. At this early point, your goal is to date her. You’ve gotten to know her more, and she’s cool. With the correspondence only being work-related, you’re not sure if she is interested in you, but you coolly tell her you are having an “end of the work week” drink at the pub around the corner and invite her. She says yes, and you meet for a beer.

Now, you know this isn’t a date, but you are excited because you are meeting her outside of work and she’s hot. The conversation goes well. She tells you a little about herself, and you tell her a little about you. An hour and a half goes by, and after two drinks each and some good convo, you guys decide you are friends and that you should do this again sometime. She gives you a hug, and you both leave, and you are happy. In your mind, this went well. You are definitely interested in her, and she might be interested in you which gives you spring in your step for the rest of the weekend.

A couple of weeks go by. At this point, you guys have hung out a couple of times with some beers after work,and you went to her apartment once to help her move a heavy dresser. You and her know each other good now and are connected with social media and you text back and forth daily. Things have not progressed romantically, but you are playing it slow and that’s OK.

Another week goes by and while at the same pub near work, you each have three drinks and are having good buzzed fun talking and laughing about shit. After a brief pause in the convo, she gets a serious look on her face and says, “I need to ask you something, but it’s kinda weird”.

Your semi-drunk self instantly gets a little warm inside, and you start to feel your heart beat. “This is the moment”, you think. She’s going to ask me something related to dating her. You look at her and smile, and say, “Weird huh? OK, go ahead”.

She takes a sip of her wine, looks at you, and says, “Do you think Jason in accounting would be into me at all?” The sound of a needle scratching across a record pauses everything. In a microsecond, you catch up that she is asking about another guy at work and not you.

You recover quickly with a slight clearing of your throat, and you answer her, “Jason so and so? I don’t know. Why do you ask?” She answers, and you continue your time together, but you don’t remember much after that. Five minutes later, your conscious brain catches up with reality, and once again, you tell yourself, “Welcome to the friend zone”!

Later that night, when you are home by yourself and depressed, you wonder why this keeps happening to you. “I’m not a bad looking guy. I listen well, am not selfish or cheap. I make enough money and can make people laugh often. Why can’t I get the girl? Why does a guy like Jason in accounting get the girl instead of me? He’s kind of an asshole, and I’m not. Why am I always making it to the friend zone?”

If you are like the guy above, there may be a few things you can do to stop this pattern.


You may not want to be this guy, but it’s important to understand why some males are never just friends with women. Think of guys you know who are never in the friend zone with women. What do they have in common? Which ones aren’t attractive to women? Which ones are?


1. The asshole – I have to mention this type of guy because most of the guys who are never in the friend zone with women are in fact, assholes. They can often be selfish, vile, and socially unaware. Women like men that listen. Most assholes don’t. They live only in their world, and a female’s only option with him is to enter into it because he won’t be entering into hers.

Nobody really likes an asshole, but other men will be ok with him at times. I have a couple of asshole friends, and it’s ok as I find some value in their interactions for one reason or another. Almost every woman will not choose to be actual friends with a male asshole.

2. The creep – Women don’t friend zone creeps because they can’t trust them at all. Most creeps have ulterior motives usually attached to some form of sexual deviance and females can sense that a mile away. This isn’t to say that most guys don’t have some form of sexual “creepiness” stirring around inside. The difference is that “the creep” can’t contain it. It’s outwardly present, and most can see it, especially women.

Creeps can smell and dress funny too. And they always manage to say inappropriate things at the absolute wrong time.

3. The man’s man – A man’s man can be a good guy. He’s just only into guy stuff and doesn’t really comprehend things like plastic flowers and essential oils. His interests limit him to only having male friends, so him being put in the friend zone by a girl is kind of impossible.

4. The player – Yea, you may want to be this guy, but maybe not. This type is on a constant hunt to get laid, so it’s rare that he would have a relationship with a woman longer than whatever time it takes to fuck her. The player rarely makes it to the friend zone and only does so after he’s either had sex with her or it’s been established that he will never be having sex with her. Even then, he doesn’t stay friends for very long as a true friendship with a woman might humanize them too much. He needs women to remain somewhat anonymously objective, so he can continue with his “hit and run” policy.

When you look at guy’s personality types that never get in a girl’s friend zone, you see some commonalities. Three out of four types can be selfish and self-centered to an extreme. And three types aren’t very capable of relating to women about much. Most of all four of these types of guys are interested in women in some sexual nature only, and have no use for their friendship at all beyond sex.

Now, let’s look at the male personality types that do make it in a woman’s friend zone.


1. The nice guy – This kind of guy is nice and respectful all the way to a fault. He’s not an asshole because he can’t be. He is so conscientious that he can’t be selfish or socially unaware even when he tries to be. The nice guy is a great listener and is very understanding, so he can plug into any topic from fishing to fashion.

Nice guys are careful not to offend, so they will rarely talk to women about sex because they know it could be off-putting. They are also inherently unselfish which means he will often allow women to talk about themselves and maybe never get to what he likes and wants or who he is as a man. Nice guys mainly make it to the friend zone with women because they really are good friends and goddamn good listeners.

2. The gay guy – Gay guys easily make it to the friend zone for two big reasons. One is, they have more in common with women than straight guys do. And the other bigger reason is that, women know that gay guys aren’t trying to fuck them. This is why a gay man can so quickly approach and befriend women. A girl never has to have her guard up with a gay guy.

A gay man can be a selfish asshole, and a somewhat toxic human and women will still be friends with him. This is important to note because it shows how available the “friend zone” environment is when there is a void of sexual tension.

3. The unavailable guy – Any man that is deemed not available to a woman, can make it to the friend zone. If a guy is already in a relationship, gay, A-sexual, or labeled as not a potential suitor for her in any way, she’s gonna convert him into a friend. She may be attracted to one of these guys but will only be friends with him, and she will carefully hide her feelings.

4. The fun guy – There are a couple of ways a guy can be fun. He could throw a lot of parties, be the life of the party, or just be fun to be around. He may have some fun resources like a boat or always has a pile of cocaine or something. Regardless, women want to be friends with him because she has fun that is in some way associated with him. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him or fuck him or anything like that. She may not even talk to him or connect with him much, but she has him in the friend zone because of what they do together. A good example would be the late Chris Farley. I’m sure women loved being friends with him, but that’s it.


So, if you are a man having a hard time not getting drawn into the slow swirl of the black hole known as the friend zone, then chances are you are a nice guy who is very caring to women but has little skills to date them. And chances are, you’ve watched asshole dudes treating the girl you want like shit or just as objects, yet were able to get into a relationship with her while you did everything right and could only be friends. Sucks, doesn’t it?

This is so common. There have been several movies and songs made about this very thing. The movie plot on this is usually with the nice guy being friends with the hot chick while she’s dating the abusive and manlier asshole dude. Mr. nice guy becomes desperately in love with Ms. hot chick and doesn’t understand why she wants Mr. asshole instead of him. After getting shit on enough times, Ms. hot chick finally realizes that her best male friend, Mr. nice guy, is the one for her, so she falls in love with him and the movie ends. Cough, cough, coullshit, cough.

Ok, so we all know this plot never ends this way in the real world. In the real world, Ms. hot chick never fucks the nice guy. This sucks if you are a nice guy. I do have some good news though. You don’t have to be an asshole in order to stay out of her friend zone. Instead, do this:

1. Talk some about sex – So, you’re a nice guy and know that some women are offended by just talking about sex. Tough shit. Talking about sex when it comes up and not trying to avoid it tells the girl that you are a man and can potentially build some sexual tension between you two. Now, I’m not saying to talk a lot about sex. That could put you in ‘creepy, player, or asshole’ status with her. Just don’t be afraid to talk about it just because she’s a female.

2. Don’t forget that you are a man – I get it. You just met and are trying to be cool and not offend. And she’s hot, so you’re talking about all the stuff she likes to talk about. That’s good and all but, don’t suspend your manhood over it. A man’s opinions on certain things can be a little harsher and less understanding than a woman’s. You can tone it down some as you are conversing with a girl, but not all the way. Acting like she’s one of the guys by having a fart contest or insisting that red meat is better than salad, or constant sports talk would not be good, but an occasional male opinion and sprinkling a fuck or two in the convo will keep your man card, and keep you out of the friend zone.

3. Let her know you find her attractive – This may be hard for a nice guy with little game, but it’s kind of important. Let her know you find her attractive in a couple, at least, subtle ways. An example is when you compliment her on something, add a little explanation. Say, “That dress looks good on you. You’ve got the legs for it”, or “You look good with your hair down. It makes you look less ‘office girly’”. Or maybe, “Well, aren’t you quick-witted? I like that”.

A nice general compliment with a slightly manly toned reason will let her know you are not just a cool guy to hang with. It tells her you have a penis and do think with it at times. Be respectful and subtle though when showing you are attracted to her. More direct and manly compliments like, “You have beautiful eyes” or “Your ass looks great in those jeans”, might be ok at the right moment with the right girl, and will definitely keep you out of the friend zone, but also may land you in creep, player, or asshole guy status too. And you don’t want that.

4. Have an intention to date, not be friends – Look, you are attracted to this girl, and that’s why you are making the effort to get to know her. There are plenty of fat chicks and dudes to be friends with. She is different, and you can’t ever lose sight of that. There is no default setting in your mind that says if she doesn’t like you that way, then you’ll just be friends with her. No. That’s not acceptable. In your mind, you either pursue her as a girl to date or bust. Period.

By always having this mindset, your brain will constantly be focusing on bringing this new relationship to resolution one way or the other. But there is no in-between. There is no being placed in the “friend zone” folder.

5. Be a little selfish – The hotter the girl is to you, the more important being a little selfish is. Talk about some things you want to talk about. Meet at some places you want to go to. It’s key to not cater to her every whim even though you don’t really mind.
Remember the rule, “we want what we can’t have”. Unfortunately, the reverse of this rule applies too. And it especially applies to hot chicks. For someone who can have whomever she wants, the “we don’t want what we can have” rule definitely exists. This is how some of those asshole dudes get the girl instead of you. They act like they don’t want her while you are drooling on her every whim. Being a little selfish will help keep her from thinking you are way into her and can keep you out of the friend zone.


Look, I get it. For a nice guy with his shit together, being put in the friend zone by someone you are really attracted to sucks balls! But in most cases, it’s the guy’s fault. I’m a big fan of making sure you don’t make any mistakes when long-gaming a beautiful woman. But forgetting you are a man and not being honest with your intentions is making a mistake as well.

Being nice and acting on your best behavior is usually the way to go. Some women are super hard to get to date you. They are like trying to catch a 600 pound Marlin on a 6 pound test line. Pull just a little too hard, and the line snaps.

When enough of the getting to know each other time has passed, it will be time to ask her out for real. No bullshit, make your intentions known and let her decide. After that, if she’s not into you, don’t be a pussy. Move on. Remember, you’ve got enough friends.

One Response

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