Being single and dating can be the best times of your life. You get to be free to do or not do what you want. The freedom that comes with not having to answer to anyone intensifies the joy you get when you decide and meet up with people or go on vacation or go to watch sports or get drunk or high or anything social.
When you go on a date with someone, she doesn’t know you very well, so there are no pre-existing expectations that you have to worry about. And you don’t know her very well, so you don’t know any soft areas of her personality that you have to carefully navigate through. You get to just be who you are at that very moment without a backpack of history strapped to your shoulders.
And the best part of it all is there are no long-term effects if the date doesn’t go well. You can just determine that the initial presentation of her bullshit is telling you that it won’t be worth any further effort for sex with her. And at the very moment of realization, you can get up and not waste another moment of either of your time and respectfully bounce.
Being single and dating can also be the worst time of your life. You could be the type of guy who needs a woman to keep you in line as you are spinning out of control. Your house could be a total fucking mess; you’re drinking too much by yourself, and can’t seem to pay your bills on time. Sure, you’re having fun with the feeling of freedom, but you’re not putting it to good use, and you know it.
Being single is not working well for you as far as dating goes too. The few dates that you’ve managed to put together have gone mostly way wrong. Even the couple that wasn’t bad and seemed to be going ok didn’t produce any sex, so they were just more epic failures.
The plain truth is that being a man, single and free, is great. But you’re a man, and you need to get laid. And a lot of single guys just don’t get much sex, so they are free but not happy. Learning to date well (I.E., getting laid) is crucial to having a great single life. For most guys, other aspects of being single can be challenging, but you eventually start to keep an updated and clean household, maintain some style, and pursue things like hobbies and travel that help you determine who you really are. But when it comes to dating skills, they are hardest to learn, and guys will continue to fall short in this area of the single life.
THE HIDDEN FUNDAMENTAL OF BEING ATTRACTIVE
I have known single guys ranging from players who run through hundreds of women all the way, to the guy who falls for the first chic that looks at him and grooves right in with her. The dating process is different for every man. For some, they stay single for a long time and interact with just a couple of women, while other guys are single for a short period and have multiple women that they run through quickly.
Regardless of what kind of single guy you are and what your motivations are for dating, in order for the process to turn into a physical interaction, you’ll have to build some attraction from the woman.
Women are a fickle lot. It’s often hard to tell what makes any particular one attracted to you. There are some basics though. Having a nice physique, being confident, being successful at something, being passionate, being kind and caring, being intelligent, and being handsome are a few of the common male attractions. There is one other too that rarely gets talked about; It’s vulnerability.
I first discovered how important vulnerability was in observing my friend Jason (yea, that’s not his real name). I’ve known Jason most of my life, and he is the biggest player that I know. Jason has been with a couple of thousand women. Somehow, he has a successful business despite the amount of time and energy he puts in finding, meeting, and then having sex with new women. It’s exhausting for me to even think about, but he has endless energy for that shit and good for him, I guess.
Now, I would describe Jason as a man’s man. He’s a big guy, always drives a jacked up four wheel drive, doesn’t avoid a fight, and is giving to his friends, but primarily a super selfish guy. He is aggressive in meeting women and will get numbers or blow jobs anywhere, and closes the deal fast; often, in the same venue, he met them in.
Initially, Jason is all macho man to the women he talks to. If a girl has anything to say to him that’s negative; he quickly and harshly dismisses her. From the outside, he looks like the type of guy that treats women poorly, and only as objects, not people. He’s the guy who makes other guys think that women are clearly inherently masochistic. This is the guy who treats women like shit yet, they all fuck him. Well, that is true, but it’s only part of the story.
Several years ago, I was out with Jason at a sports bar. We were at a high top area watching football, and the high top next to us had a couple of girls seated. One of the girls was wearing a jersey of Jason’s opposing team, and after a key play in the football game, he said something about the game to this girl about them losing. She said something back, and they didn’t seem to like each other. Jason then said something back without smiling, and she turned around.
About fifteen minutes went by, and we were enjoying watching the game and drinking beer. We didn’t interact with the girls next to us again, but when the girl’s friend went off to the bathroom or somewhere, Jason walked over their table. I didn’t pay much attention to his action as he approaches women every time we go out. But this time, I was sitting pretty close to him talking to this girl. It was loud in there because of the sound of the TVs, but there was a pause in between commercials and in that two seconds, I heard what Jason said to this girl. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but it was something like, “I’m going to have to put my dog down next week”. It was his tone that made me turn around and look at him. He didn’t sound like the rough and rigid Jason that I have known all my life. It was soft and sincere and connecting. It was genuine too, as he did have to put his dog to sleep.
A moment later, he was back to our table, and we continued to act like men watching football and drinking beer. At that moment though, I discovered one of Jason’s secrets to picking up women. He shows them vulnerability. Of course, this story ended like you would think. He stayed after I left and later told me she gave him a blowjob in his truck in the bar’s parking lot. Bam.
Jason is a macho dude, and we have always talked in length about his adventures in having sex with women, and he never leaves any details out. It was strange that we never covered how he becomes vulnerable with them at key times. In the end, I determined that even he wasn’t aware of his vulnerability factor.
Showing vulnerability to help build attraction wasn’t new to me or anything. My personality naturally shows vulnerability when I connect with people. For me, it’s the best way to get people to realize I am a genuine person. What I discovered that day, was that vulnerability builds attraction in almost everyone, in almost every situation. And that, if you can’t or don’t show it, then it will be a lot harder for the other person to be attracted to you.
WHAT DOES BEING VULNERABLE MEAN EXACTLY
The dictionary defines vulnerable as “susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm”. What this means, is you are exposing a part of yourself that usually, is protected by you. You are in that moment, giving someone else the power to do you harm in some way. And you are trusting them not to do that. With dating or getting to know someone, this is like telling her a secret that she knows you don’t share with just anyone. In Jason’s case, this works especially well as he is such a manly, seemingly “give no fucks” type of guy. He shows that to them first and then, when alone and can have an intimate conversation; he shows that he is vulnerable to her. This makes her (and the hundred other women he’s talked to that month) feel special as only she is getting to see this genuine side of him.
You can now imagine how powerful showing vulnerability can be for a guy like this. Yea, success is rarely from luck.
Almost everyone has to display vulnerability in order for someone else to be attracted to them; women too. Think about who you are attracted to. Sure, there’s that chic at work with the great ass and nice rack that you think about often when masturbating. Observe further, and you’ll see that you are attracted to a lot of women because they show, or showed you some form of vulnerability. Conversely, think of the women you should be attracted to, but just aren’t for some reason. Chances are, it’s because she’s lacking in being vulnerable. ‘Jus sayin’.
MAKING SURE YOU ARE SHOWING VULNERABILITY
If you have read all of the above and still kinda don’t get what I mean, then you may need to research this more than the average guy. I’m not saying to turn into some crying man. You can be your normal guarded self, just expose a little of yourself. To maybe help make sure you are being vulnerable, here are four things you can try:
1. Tell a story from your past that made you feel sad – Had a dog or a cat die (like Jason)? Were you embarrassed in high school from doing a speech? Did you have a friend that needs surgery? Expose your sadness with a story.
2. Make fun of yourself with a remembrance of something that made you look bad – Positively explaining some shortcoming you may have, can display vulnerability. Laughing it off or showing that you have come to terms with it, shows you are accepting and understanding.
3. Express a dream or concept that isn’t commonly accepted – We all have dreams that are probably too unrealistic to ever be realized. Expose that part of yourself to her.
4. Tell her one of your secrets – I don’t mean someone else’s secrets. Only one of yours. And be careful which secret. If it’s creepy or sick or toxic in any way, then keep that shit to yourself.
One last thing on being vulnerable while you are dating. It must be genuine! Even Jason, the biggest player I’ve ever known, is genuine with his vulnerability. And you want to especially, be genuine if you are not a player and just wanting to connect with someone that may later grow into a relationship.
